me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
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As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
saving face 👀
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??