Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only