Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

I just stopped by to water my horse.

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*