Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

Have kids, they said

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁