Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

damn he’s good

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”