Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

Salad is the decaf of food.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people