me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
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All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
*updates tinder bio*
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
🏙👨🏼
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement