me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
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*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
For the baby who has everything
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I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?