me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
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ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Someone just threatened to call me later
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.