Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
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Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.