Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
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A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Always the camel, never the toe.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me