Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
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Just ordered me some pizza!
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
we’re dead?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.