Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.