Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
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You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
When your man makes a valid point
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack