Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer