Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
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Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Still cracks me up
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.