Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She: I like Cats
He:

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords