Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?