me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I’m suuuuper in the mood to be given $10,000, just sounds good rn
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.