me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
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When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy