Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.