@JustUnstableMe

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

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@JasonBerlin

Seems like ladies hate being asked how their Thanksgiving was, no matter how playfully I pat their stomachs.

@RyanofAvalon

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

@usermcuserface

I don’t think I’d be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.

@TheCatWhisprer

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

@junkyardigan

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

@CerebralWreck

According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex’s house.

@quintabrunson

Lindor chocolates are amazing and I’m not sure how everyone isn’t talking about them all the time.

P.S please don’t tell me anything bad about them right now, like if the owner is racist or something. let me finish this bag first.

@_SingleBabyMama

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

@alexlumaga

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*