Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
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[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti