Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

Roses are red
Violets are blue

Even the dumbest person on social media is still more intelligent than a dolphin.

And that saddens me deeply.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.