Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
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Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I think we should hear other voices.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
