Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
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PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
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*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
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Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
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I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear