Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

@funTweeters I am at your service….

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.