Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]