Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

i dont have time for this

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams