Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
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Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
This meeting could have been a cake
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.