Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

linkedin the good parts

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁