Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
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Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
People buying plungers never look happy.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before