Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

‘I know a black person’

– White people

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

why does this building look like a guilty dog

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”