Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

Boating season is upon us.

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.