Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?