Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing