Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
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Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.