Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

I am thick and tired. 🙄

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

Growing out my freckles.

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?