Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

How about I get 100% off by already being there

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.