Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

Brilliant!

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?