Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
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[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.