Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Good morning
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
