Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

👀

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.