Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
You Might Also Like
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
what?
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please