Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

Life is a suicide mission.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip