Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
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Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
This headline is a thing of beauty
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …