Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
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Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife