Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
You Might Also Like
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.