Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz!

[30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

Labreador

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

Donkey Kong sommelier

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.