Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

Thinking about Jeff

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane