Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
⛄️
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
