Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Me too 😆
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
