Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
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if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
You had me at “define legal”.
Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”
He’s going to be just fine
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
sin harder.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”
rest in peas
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
