Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1