Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear