Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
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Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.