Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
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As the Lord intended
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Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
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[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
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There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
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Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time