Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

How to woo a woman

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?