Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

As the Lord intended

Who wants to be my Valentine?

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home