Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

Harsh but fair

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

When you’ve simply given up.

these can’t be my only options

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.