Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.