Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.