Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”