Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir