Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font