Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

You are what you delete.

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

Ummm

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it