ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
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Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
When you can’t find your friend Neil
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.