Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

Selfie

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”

*door opens*

BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

Great game to play with friends

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

This is not me but this is me

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that