Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.