Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
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ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.