Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
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In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.