Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
You Might Also Like
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
😭😭😭
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out