Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
beware of dog
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
