Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.