ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
You Might Also Like
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
But that’s none of my business
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.