ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
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Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
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