ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
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On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Rare photo of two submarines racing
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
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As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.