ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.


My pet rock is grounded for throwing itself at my ex’s car window


Every teen trick-or-treating tonight got a handful of candy and a, “You must be heartbroken. I can’t believe Justin Bieber died so young!”


me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction


The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.


I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA


You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.