me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
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Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Did King Kong really think he was gonna date that lady?
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My phone dies quicker than the black guy in a horror movie.
Ladies I’ve found is a new business opportunity 🔥🔥🔥
Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I’m outta here!
Lawyer: After a while crocodile.
“Are you cold?”
*People who are cold*
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.