@amydillon

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

@AaronFullerton

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

@causticbob

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

@AndyJokedAgain

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

@LionJenkins

Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I’m outta here!
Judge: Litigator!
Lawyer: After a while crocodile.

@RobTemple101

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.