Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

Oops 🤭

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

Thank you corporation very cool

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.