Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

be safe out there!

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.